It's been a rough few days...really rough...

First major badness appeared in the form of my Father. I haven't seen him in 6 years and our last phone conversation was two years ago, when he hung up on me after a major argument and I threw my beloved blackberry against the wall in a fit of rage and tears.

Out of the blue I got a text saying he has moved back from Ireland and wanted to meet. I was ok with that, dreading it, but ok. Until the day of the meeting when i had an emotional breakdown at work and sobbed my heart out in the locker room. I guess years of pent up rage, frustration and just plain Daddy issues can only be kept at bay for so long.

Anyway, after some much needed pep talks from my bestie I strode out to conquer my fear and face him.

It went exactly as i expected. Needless to say I will not be repeating a meeting anytime soon. But it was ok, i got my head round it and let myself relax.

Great right? I thought so too. I went to work the next day feeling happier than I have in ages. i was singing as i worked, chatting and joking with everyone in the lab. It was a great day.

Then one of my colleagues, a guy who has been up and down with me for a long time, decided to take his sexual harassment of me to physical level.

And because i was at work, because i couldn't believe it was happening and because i was in terrified shock...all my self defense training and martial arts went out of the window.

I managed to get away and yell "What the F*** are you doing!!" but that was it.
That was the extent of my defense. And he just smiled, and made a disgusting remark about what he'd just done.

All the trust, all the confidence, all my new strength just fell away and i was 20 again at the mercy of a man who was just taking what he wanted.

It was an hour later, when i was in a private meeting with my boss and describing the encounter that it really hit me what had happened. I still feel sick thinking about it, took me a while to stop shaking.

I asked my boss not to fire him, though i'm starting to wonder what possessed me to show that much mercy after what he's done. He's out on his arse if he tries it again and I'm not going to give him the opportunity.

My worst fears were touched upon, things from my past i've worked hard to over come have suddenly been flung back in my face. I'm going to have to fight demons I thought I had defeated.

Pervert-idly this happened hours after i had decided that i was confident enough around guys to join a dating site.
Plenty of Fish .com is the one i chose. I was so excited about it. I had all these dreams of meeting that one special guy soon and then that B***** had to do this too me.

When i got home from work i couldn't bare to even think about the dating site. The thought of any man near me made me feel sick all over again. The fear is back and its stronger than i remember.

It's not Plenty of Fish to me now...it's Nothing but Sharks...

It didn't help that on my facebook i was sudden;y confronted by a guy from school, messaging me for dates when he already had a girlfriend. Disgusted about it i pointed out he had a daughter AND a fiancee and his reply was "So what? I don't see why that's a problem if we're discrete."  I logged out only to be bombarded by more messages from him until i blocked him altogether.

Everything seems so dark suddenly.

I never thought I'd need rescuing, would never admit to it but I'm so tired of being afraid.

I want my knight to appear. The kind of guy I dream of. I want him to sweep me up and hold me and say "It's ok, I'm here, you don't have to be afraid anymore..."

And for my part I'll let him say it, and I'll let myself believe it...